Friendships

We lost two good friends this week due to a misplaced comment on our website. What seemed somewhat innocuous to me was taken very personally by them and the damage is done. They were good people — experienced cruisers, world travelers, highly competent, and willing to help other cruisers at any time. It is sad and we will miss their company, advice, laughter, and friendship.

When you make the decision to go cruising for an extended period, one of the most difficult things is saying goodbye to family and friends. Some family will see your decision as selfish at best; some friends may see it as risk taking and irresponsible. Others will applaud your sense of adventure and become vicarious armchair travelers through your blog. 

In the end you need to make your own decision and live by it. For me, cruising was a life long dream. That dream got me through lots of boring business meetings, hours and hours staring at a computer screen, and many sleepless nights. It wasn’t Meryl’s dream (it seems it’s rarely the wife’s desire) but she has an adventurous spirit and let me put the pieces in place.

Leaving our house and friends for the last time.

I remember our last night at our house (after we sold it in a terrible real estate market). We had to be out by 9:00 pm and we hustled to get last minute items into the car. Our faithful Acura was loaded to the brim, with Meryl buried underneath some houseplants. We just sat in the driveway looking at the empty garage and wondering what the hell we’d just done. Then I clicked the garage door and we drove away in the dark, both of us in quiet contemplation of the big leap we were taking.

Jim and Chris visit us on Flying Cloud at Newport, RI.

We had left bits and pieces of our lives at various friend’s houses content in the feeling that they would derive some use out of our stuff. Our good friends Jim and Chris Berry, let us stay with them and we “visit” Meryl’s comfortable leather chair and our bedroom set in the guest room (our home away from home). But more than anything we value having the opportunity to sit and talk with Jim and Chris at night, and share breakfast in the morning. Jim is our mail drop, our protector, our emergency contact for Search & Rescue; Chris is the person we talk to when we need to be centered.

Annie and Tryg helped us transit the Panama Canal.

We feel so inadequate when we try to say thanks to Anni and Trygve Johnson. I stayed at their house for almost six months on and off while working on my boat, which was stored at Tryg’s factory. Tryg and I would go to “work” together in the morning, he to his office, me to my boat. When we got home at night Anni would have hor ‘de ouvers out and a great dinner simmering on the stove. After dinner we’d curl up on the couch and watch one of the thousands of videos in Anni’s collection. How they put up with me I’ll never know, but that’s true friendship.

Paul and Irene, one of our longest term friendships.

Meryl and Mary Ann lounging at Beaver Lake. I didn't have a wide angle lens to get Jim, my longtime sailing buddy.

I could continue down the list: Paul and Irene Ballew’s welcoming smiles and great hospitality. We love just sitting up late at night and laughing with them. Jim and Mary Ann Sanders (whose last name I’ve misspelled my whole life) always have the door open at their beautiful lakefront house and amaze us with the stuff they do to make it a real home.  There are lots others (you know who you are) and we wish we could see you more.

I’m not including family in this blog. It’s so painful to leave your children and grandchildren it’s the reason many people never go on an extended cruise. Our children have been so generous and supportive that we’d never have been able to leave in the first place. Everyday we think about what our grandkids are doing, what new words they are learning, what new experiences they are having, and we’re sad that we’re not there to share it all with them. Thank you so much Christa and Brad for supporting us in this crazy adventure.

Fortunately we’re able to visit Christa in Hong Kong a couple of times a year and spend two months in Seattle visiting Brad and Christa when she comes over for the summer. 

One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life is not truly understanding the value, and responsibilities, of friendships. There was lots time to nurture friendships when we were in our early twenties, but once the kids came it seemed that just managing our growing family was all we could handle. Once the kids got to a certain age we began yearly camping trips with the Berry’s, Johnson’s, McRae’s, and Larson’s. We all had an incredible time (including when the kids told us they had been feeding the Mormons (marmots). Lake Wenatchee, Peregrine Lake, Mt. Rainier, Mt. St. Helens:  we all miss those fantastic trips, even when it poured down rain.

Now that we’re cruising we’ve had to put our lifelong friends in a holding pattern, except for short yearly trips home or friends visiting us aboard Flying Cloud in far off exotic locales. For the past 4 years we have enjoyed developing many new friendships in the highly transient world of cruisers.

Cruising friendships are different in many respects. First, nearly everyone is retired (and with no kids to take care of) so we all have time to nurture friendships. We’re in exotic places doing exciting things so there’s always lots to talk about. We are all fixing this or that, fostering conversations at the docks or marine store. 

Some of our newest friends, Steve and Sandra, showing us the fort at Portobello.

While cruising, making a new friend is as simple as going up to the boat that just anchored and saying “hi”. Fairly quickly you’ll know if there’s a mix. That happened to us in Portobello when we saw our neighbors getting in their dingy and wave at us. They swung by to say hello and mentioned they were going on a hike and we sort of invited ourselves along. The fit was good and soon we became friends with Steven and Sandra on Yonder. 

Months later I was in the water cleaning the boat when I heard someone yelling our names and saw a Galapagos tour boat speeding towards us. It was Steven and Sandra who were just finishing their South America tour. We hugged like long lost friends, which we were. What a wonderful feeling.

Outside of just the interesting conversation and having sundowners together, the other thing that distinguishes cruising friendships is co-dependancy. You quickly realize (especially on long passages) that there’s no Coast Guard to come to your rescue, only other cruisers. When we did our seven-day passage from Las Perlas to the Galapagos it was nice to know there were some other boats in the vicinity in case something went wrong. 

One of the most poignant sailing stories is that of Pete Goss, a British sailor racing around the world who risked his life and did the impossible by turning around in 40 to 50 knot winds and sailing back in the dark to rescue a French competitor. I’d like to think someone would do that for me or I for them.

We’re participants in a radio net with roughly twenty other boats who talk with each other twice a day via high frequency SSB radio. Right now, on a 3,000 mile passage from the Galapagos to the Marquesas, three to four boats are having rigging problems and in various states of need. The Net talks with each boat, offers technical help, and in one case helped divert a boat to provide extra fuel to a boat slowed by rigging problems. Another boat had to be abandoned and a Net boat arrived to take the crew on to the Marquesas. Again, we hope to never have to call for help on the Net, but we’re so glad to know they are out there if the need should arise.

We have a stack of over 150 boat cards of cruisers whom we’ve met in the last four years. Some we’ve buddy boated with, many we’ve had drinks with, and a few will be lifelong friends long after we’ve hung up our safety harnesses.

Our first buddy boat was Derek and Heather on Parallax. What a fun time we had with them. After a long discussion  about stars one night I made the comment “What are you guys, rocket scientists?” Yes they were.

Our second buddy boat was Sharon and Kevin on Timaru. They had a lot more experience than us and Sharon was the consummate planner. Really enjoyed their company. Next was Field Trip, a gorgeous Antares 44 ft cat. After sailing hundreds of miles with Mark and Sara and their two kids  down the Windward/Leeward Chain, we had to say goodbye. It was nice having two such neat kids around to fill the void of our grandchildren. We hope to run into them again in the Pacific.

The point is, with a buddy boat you are together almost 24/7 (when have you ever been together that much back home?). You tend to develop fairly close friendships under those circumstances. You are also sharing fun and sometimes challenging experiences which tend to bond the friendship. And then one day they are gone, maybe forever, in your life. It’s tough.

This recent incident of losing a friendship has taught us about the fragility of relationships, the importance of nurturing friendships, and value of those relationships that turn into lifelong friends.

Long after the cruising is over we’ll have memories, not of white sand beaches or sundowners under the palm trees, but of the friendships we’ve made and the experiences we have shared with others.